pain, fear, lost, missing. i felt all those separately and together all at the same time in these few days. the fear of letting go and loosing the one thing that i swear made life worth living, the pain in knowing that i will never feel what i felt once more, the missing part that is now lost, drowning in the tears that will flow.
i cried as i hugged the pillow you gave me, i looked at the soft toy that i was going to give you for your birthday, its eyes, large as ever seem to stare at me in a sarcastic manner, almost as though saying to me " you deserve it " i cover myself in my sheets and cried my sorrow lullaby that puts me to sleep
all the while wishing in a rather secretive manner that my phone will finally ring in excitement, announcing a text from you, a sweet one preferably, yet it goes on into the deep night with silence, almost as though sleeping to charge itself.
the next day surrounds itself with tears, thunderstorms and heavy rains set the perfect mood to mourn the death of a love so fragile, it chose to break apart. started to contemplate suicide, thinking of which method to use, thinking of ways to say my final goodbye and overcoming my fear of pain.
braved myself and texted you, you said you hated me and told me not to contact you anymore, felt the pain, beating hard, punching, forcing the pain in me
i was blind, angry. i did something i regret. i leaned on myself, became strong. to a point where it broke. i was sick of being strong, i admit. i was a fool, showering myself in memories that seemed so long ago. hurting from the inside
xoxo
charm chew
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